"Ways CBS Will Be Different After Merging With QVC"

As presented on the 6/30/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. You know that stopwatch on "60 Minutes"? It's yours for $49.95.
9. Many things will change, but Connie Chung will still be married to that dweeb named Maury.
8. I'll get paid in cubic zirconias.
7. Once per episode of "Murder She Wrote", Jessica will look right at the camera and yell, "we got blenders for sale".
6. Fox executives will be able to call in and buy whatever sports CBS has left.
5. The CBS eye logo and the QVC chipmunk logo will be combined into a spooky eye-chipmunk creature.
4. No matter what, we'll still be working for TV weasels.
3. Little number in corner of screen will go up every time Bob Barker scores.
2. During "Evening News", Dan Rather sells the pants right off his ass.
1. Goodbye, "Tiffany Network"--hello, "K-Mart Network".